Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
