do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
