Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
