her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
