We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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