Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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