im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
