I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
tonight lets celebrate not being married
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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