I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Holy shit dude........stairs
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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