It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
