If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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