I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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