The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
