My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
