My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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