The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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