I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
