I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
