So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
