Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
