What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
