Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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