i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
