omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
