The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
