my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
