I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
