I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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