Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
