i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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