You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
