I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
