I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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