girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
