seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
