her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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