I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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