so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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