somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
