is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
