sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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