just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
