I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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