She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
