Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
