Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
