So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
