do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
