when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
