oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
