I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
